Social-emotional growth at every age
This guide provides an overview of the social-emotional milestones throughout development and what you can do to help your child practice the social-emotional skills of their developmental age.
Most children and teens need to:
- Spend time with family and friends without screens.
- Spend time outside.
- Get good sleep, eat healthy foods, play and exercise.
- Have open, non-judgmental talks with their family and friends.
- Have regular, consistent communication with teachers, coaches, and other trusted adults.
The ages listed should be used as a loose guide! Neurological differences between children (differences in their brains), their personality, birth order and family composition, their experiences of trauma, and other factors shape the way that children develop.
You are the expert on your child’s unique strengths and challenges. If you have questions or concerns about your child’s development, trust yourself and talk with their teacher or doctor about what you’re noticing.
Many of the developmental milestones in this section were adapted from Yardsticks by Chip Wood (2017). This guide focuses on school-aged children. For information about mental health from birth to aged 3, see Zero to Three.
4-year-olds…
- Can appear clumsy or physically awkward.
- Can play with other children, but also do a lot of parallel play (when children play next to each other but not together).
- Enjoy responsibilities or “chores.”
- Are learning to be able to calm themselves down and control their impulses.
- Older fours are sometimes fearful or worried and may have nightmares.
- Love bathroom language or “potty talk.”
- Are often very talkative.
- Love to be read to.
- Learn through play, exploring things, rhythm, and repetition.
- Are egocentric: they don’t yet understand that other people have different views or experiences than they do. For example, they might think they are hiding by putting a pillow over their face!
You can help them grow by:
Giving them words or phrases to understand what they might be thinking or feeling:
- “You are throwing blocks, which tells me you are feeling mad or frustrated.”
- “We are not going to take that toy out of his hands. If you want a turn, you can say: ‘Can I have a turn with that when you’re done?’”
- “You see that he’s feeling sad right now. You can check in with him and ask if he wants a hug.”
Helping them practice self-regulation and impulse control. This might sound like:
- “It seems like you’re getting frustrated by that puzzle. Let’s take 3 deep breaths before we try again.”
- “I hear that you want my attention right now, but I’m not finished talking to Uncle Mark. In 2 minutes I’ll be able to give you my full attention.”
Helping them practice healthy social behaviors. Give specific examples such as:
- “I like the way you gave Jojo a turn with the ball.”
- “It is not OK to kick when you’re mad with someone. You can tell Diego you didn’t like that with your words, but not with your body.”
- “You’re sad because I took away the tablet. You can be sad, but you cannot hit me. Do you think running outside would help you get out your feelings?”
Their imagination is how they experience the world. You can encourage it by being playful:
- “Do you think Puppy wants to snuggle too?”
- “Let’s walk to the potty like we’re flamingos!”
- “Are you buckled in your car seat and ready for space launch? Can you help me count down? Helmets on!”
5-year-olds….
- Like to be helpful.
- Enjoy rules and routines.
- Think out loud.
- Can be literal and have difficulty seeing other viewpoints or perspectives.
- Do not yet have logical thinking: they are not yet able to think through a problem successfully every time.
- Learn through play and experimenting.
- Older fives tend to test authority and limits.
- May have tantrums or complain or whine a lot.
- Play with whoever is around and is playing what they want to play: “Are you playing what I want to play?” or “If you don’t play like this, I won’t be your friend.”
You can help them grow by:
Being consistent. If that’s not possible, try to give them advanced warning when changes are coming up.
- “Today is going to be a little different because Grandma is picking you up and giving you dinner. I’ll be home before bathtime.”
Helping them imagine and prepare for different things that might happen.
- “If we get to the playground and the slide is wet, can you think of other things you’d be excited to play?”
- “Last time we went to the ice cream shop, they were out of mint chip. What else might you want to try?”
Encouraging them to try new things.
- “What if you tried…”
- “How do you think it would be different if…”
6-year-olds…
- Love to know and create rules. Because of this, many kids this age tattle.
- Love to do things fast and competitively, which can lead to sloppiness.
- Are loud!
- Love to be told what they did well, and can have a tough time when things don’t go well.
- Love surprises and treats.
- Can be bossy or critical of others.
- Are more likely to push back and question the rules.
- Often complain.
- Learn best through discovery.
You can help them grow by:
- Letting mild arguments or disagreements happen with friends or siblings. Allow them to figure out how to handle being fair and taking turns as long as the situation remains physically and emotionally safe.
- Helping them tell the difference between tattling and telling. “Telling” is done to help keep everyone safe. “Tattling” is done to get someone else in trouble.
- Modeling how to be a good sport when losing or winning.
7-year-olds…
- Often feel deeply and have psychosomatic complaints. This might be a new term to you: psychosomatic complaints means that their feelings can show up physically, in their bodies. For example, they may complain of stomachaches when they are nervous, or headaches when they feel overwhelmed.
- Can be moody.
- Like structure.
- Are sensitive to criticism and try not to make mistakes.
- Can be serious.
- Like praise.
- Can think more deeply.
- Like to understand how things work by taking things apart.
You can help them grow by:
- Celebrate how they did something rather than what they did.
- Help them notice what they’ve learned from successes and failures.
- Offer reassurance.
- Help them practice coping strategies. This will help them with big feelings.
8-year-olds…
- Are often energetic and talkative.
- Are full of ideas.
- Have a limited attention span.
- Can bounce back more quickly from mistakes and disappointment.
- Have trouble with limits and boundaries.
- Tend to have bigger friend groups.
- Exaggerate and may try out sarcasm.
- Are very aware of fairness and justice.
- Start engaging in clique behavior, meaning that there may be “in” groups and “out” groups of friends.
You can help them grow by:
- Helping them see others’ perspectives or points of view as often as possible.
- Keeping boundaries and rules consistent, and explaining your reasoning.
- Asking for their thoughts when making a family decision.
9-year-olds…
- Have lots of psychosomatic complaints, which means they feel their feelings in physical ways. For example, they may feel extremely tired or nauseated when they have to do something they don’t want to do.
- Can be impatient, worried, anxious, and critical of themselves and others.
- Can be moody.
- Are very aware of fairness and justice.
- Often use “baby talk.”
- Can exaggerate by saying things such as “I hate it,” “You never let me do anything by myself,” or “He always gets to go first.”
- Are curious.
- Begin to recognize the bigness of the world.
You can help them grow by:
- Including them in big conversations using age-appropriate language.
- Helping them practice their coping skills to help with big feelings.
- Supporting healthy self-esteem.
10-year-olds…
- Can be quick to anger and quick to forgive.
- Are figuring out right and wrong and are usually truthful.
- Recognize social issues and are very interested in fairness and justice.
- Are expressive and talkative.
- Enjoy sharing and explaining.
- Are often happy.
- Are good problem solvers and are open to thinking about different ways to deal with a problem.
- Puberty usually begins around this age for girls.
- Find a lot of importance in friend groups
You can help them grow by:
- Letting them in on decision-making. Say aloud your thoughts and ask for their ideas.
- Having conversations with them about what’s happening in your community and in the world.
- Helping them think about what they look for in a friend.
- Talking about puberty and what to expect.
11-year-olds…
- Can be restless, fidgety, and constantly moving their bodies.
- Often are going through a growth spurt, especially girls.
- Need more sleep.
- Often feel hungrier and need more physical activity.
- Can be moody and sensitive.
- Enjoy testing limits.
- Can be impulsive.
- Commonly have strong friend groups, and sometimes can be mean to those who are not in their group.
- Want to feel like they belong.
- May argue a lot.
- Can see the world from different perspectives or viewpoints.
You can help them grow by:
- Paying attention to what they hear about body image from social media, TV, movies, and other people. As their bodies change, they can often feel more self-conscious.
- Helping them understand how their behavior can impact other people.
- Maintaining your family’s boundaries and rules, and helping them understand your reasoning.
12-year-olds…
- Tend to have lots of energy and enthusiasm.
- Have growth spurts.
- Often have changes to their sleep patterns.
- Are better able to plan and think through more difficult things.
- Care more about their friends’ opinions than those of adults’.
- Enjoy talking with adults.
- Show more empathy.
You can help them grow by:
- Helping them get good sleep.
- Encouraging them to show empathy, or care for others.
- Talking to them about what’s happening in the world.
13-year-olds…
- Have lots of energy.
- Puberty in full swing: most boys will be beginning; most girls will have reached almost full physical development and have gotten their periods.
- Skin problems are common and hygiene becomes more important.
- May respond to talk about sex, health, and puberty with silliness, rudeness, or embarrassment.
- Can be moody, insecure, and unwilling to take risks.
- Often criticize adults.
- Can have difficulty working in groups.
- May feel and use peer pressure.
- Social media begins to be an area of focus.
You can help them grow by:
- Teaching them that changes to their bodies are normal.
- Teaching them regular hygiene habits.
- Being patient! They are figuring out how to be more independent.
- Using humor and lightheartedness when appropriate.
14-year-olds…
- Have lots of energy.
- Are growing! Need lots of snacks, exercise, and sleep.
- Begin to be aware of and interested in sex.
- Strongly feel shame, embarrassment, and insecurity.
- Age of the “know it all.”
- Are turned off by adult lectures.
- Try to “act grown”, but still depend on adults.
- Enjoy learning through breaking things down.
You can help them grow by:
- Keeping lines of communication open, showing an interest in what they like, asking open-ended questions, and being non-judgmental.
- Maintaining your family’s boundaries and rules and helping them understand your reasoning.
- Respecting their need for privacy and space.
- Regularly talking about sex, dating, drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, vaping, and other topics.
15-18 year-olds…
- Are developing their sense of who they are, and may experiment with different styles, opinions, friend groups, and interests.
- Are able to think more abstractly.
- Usually spend more time with friends than with family.
- Have sexual feelings.
- Want privacy and independence.
- Often experience short periods of sadness and depression.
- Are experiencing major changes in their brains. They have a fully developed limbic system, which means they feel pleasure, sadness, excitement, and other feelings very intensely. At the same time, their prefrontal cortex – which helps with decision-making, planning, and organization – is still growing. There is a lot of change happening in their brains during this stage!
You can help them grow by:
- Keeping lines of communication open, especially about their own mental health experiences. Risky behaviors like drug and alcohol use, unprotected sex, and texting while driving can be common during adolescence, especially in response to big feelings. Being open to your child means that your child is more likely to go to you for advice and help.
- Helping them slow down and think about their choices and decision-making strategies. The limbic system of their brain is working like a gas pedal towards new experiences, and their prefrontal cortex – which should be the brake – is still growing! Being there to talk with them about their decisions and support them through mistakes and hard times is helpful.
- Asking open-ended questions to learn about their thinking.