This list includes books for older elementary children that involve themes relevant to this stage of social and emotional development: self-awareness, emotional regulation, friendship, and empathy. In addition to checking your local public library, you may consider looking for read-aloud versions of these books on YouTube.
Reading these books together is a great way to start a conversation with your child. What do you notice about the characters? What is similar to your own life? What is different? What do you think we can learn from these characters?
This list includes books for the youngest school-aged children that involve themes relevant to this stage of social emotional development such as self-awareness, empathy, and friendship. In addition to checking your local public library, you may consider looking for read-aloud versions of these books on YouTube.
Reading these books together is a great way to start a conversation with your child. What do you notice about the characters? What is similar to your own life? What is different? What do you think we can learn from these characters?
Talking to your child about their day at school can be a powerful way of building a confident connection. Consider these suggestions for making after school conversations fun and engaging.
Teaching children how to maintain their personal space and respect the personal space of others is an important part of supporting healthy relationship skills, self-awareness, assertiveness, responsible decision-making, and physical safety. Strengthening these skills also strengthens youth mental health by giving children the tools to be able to experience autonomy, which in turn protects against feelings of powerlessness and increases feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, and empowerment.
Bodily autonomy is the idea that everyone has the right to make decisions about what happens to their body.1 This includes teaching children what is appropriate and respectful and what is not can be an important part of preventing sexual abuse and important in helping children get help from trusted adults if they are experiencing abuse.2
Here you’ll find information about how to encourage these skills throughout development, including the language you can use with your child to practice them.
For most children and teenagers
When developing a sense of bodily autonomy, most children and teenagers need:
To hear and practice neutral and accurate language to describe body parts. When children have accurate language, they will be better able to communicate with you if something happens involving their body, including abuse, injury, or illness. Using accurate language also communicates that their bodies are not shameful, and all parts of their body, including private parts, deserve the same care and attention.
Open communication with their parents and caregivers. Laying the foundation for open communication starts when children are very young and continues into adulthood. This includes keeping an open, nonjudgmental approach to your children’s questions, concerns, and interests. When children get in trouble or are shamed for asking questions or talking about bodies, they may not feel comfortable asking for help when something happens involving their body that makes them uncomfortable.
Access to trusted adults who aren’t immediate family members. As they get older, children may feel more comfortable talking to adults who aren’t their parents or immediate family. You can talk to your child about how to identify these adults in their day-to-day lives based on your family and parenting values. These adults should be people your child trusts. They might be aunts or uncles, teachers or coaches, or other adults in your family’s life.
Permission to say no to unwanted touch or affection, including hugs and kisses, even from family members. This can be a good way to start a conversation about consent, personal space, and asking permission before touching someone else.
To learn how to respect when someone else says “no.” Bodily autonomy includes respecting other people’s boundaries and space.
Under 3
Even before they have language, very young children are learning about their bodies through the way parents and caregivers care for them, touch them, and talk to them.
You can support healthy development by:
Giving your child a heads-up before changing their diaper or clothing and explaining what you’re doing. This might sound like, “It’s time to change your diaper because we want to be clean.”
Using neutral and accurate language to describe body parts. This might sound like, “That is your penis. I’m touching it to help you clean it, but it is part of your private area and no one should touch it unless they’re helping you clean yourself” or “It looks like you are uncomfortable. Is your vulva itchy?”
Ages 3 – 7
As they grow, children become more self-aware, more curious about their own and other peoples’ bodies, and more physically independent. Their social skill development includes learning about their own and other people’s boundaries. You can help reinforce these skills:
Teach your child about personal space, or “personal bubbles.”
Their own personal space: Advocating for their own personal space might sound like, “You’re hurting me. Stop doing that,” “I don’t want to play like that anymore,” or “I don’t want a hug right now, but I’ll give you a high five!”
Others’ personal space: Teach your child to respect “no” from other people. This might sound like, “Did you ask if he wanted to play that way?” or “I heard her tell you to stop. When we hear that, we stop right away.”
Teach children that if someone is hurting them, they should always tell a trusted adult nearby, and then tell you.
Children may ask questions about their body parts or others’ body parts – this is a normal part of development. You can answer these questions with accurate information, without adding judgement. This might sound like, “Yes, both male and female bodies have nipples” or “Hair grows on boys’ and girls’ private parts when they’re a little older – like 12 or 13” or “No, you may not watch me use the bathroom – I’d like privacy for that. You can ask me questions about how my body works, though, if that’s what you’re curious about.”
This is an important part of abuse prevention and intervention: children who are punished, shamed, or silenced for asking questions or talking about their bodies may be afraid to report when they are being harmed.
Help your child understand who can touch their body for health and safety reasons.
Annual well-child pediatrician visits are a great opportunity to talk with your child about this. Preparing your child might sound something like, “The doctor is going to ask you questions about how your body feels, and will gently touch parts of your body to see how strong your body is. I will be there too. You can ask them any questions you have.”
If your child needs help from teachers or caretakers to use the bathroom, get dressed, or get cleaned up, you can explain to your child that these adults will be touching their bodies – and sometimes their private areas – to help keep them clean and healthy. This might sound something like, “Your penis and your butt are your private area, and no one should touch them except for when your teachers are helping you clean yourself after you go potty.”
When your child can get dressed, use the bathroom, and bathe independently, you can give them more privacy. This might sound like, “Knock knock! Is it OK if I come in to give you a clean towel?”
You can teach your child that it’s okay to say “no,” even to adults. It’s important for children to know that they do not have to allow others (including family members) to touch, hug, or kiss them if they don’t want to.
Sometimes these conversations can be difficult to have with other adults who just want to hug your child. You might say to a well-meaning family member, “We always ask for permission for hugs and kisses, and everyone is always allowed to say no to being touched. You can ask Leyla how she wants to say hello!” You can provide alternative ways to show affection, such as high fives or blowing a kiss.
You can encourage your child to do this by reminding them to ask before touching other people too. This might sound like, “I saw that you were so excited when we saw your teacher in the grocery store! Remember, we always ask before we give hugs to make sure the other person is OK being touched like that.”
Make it a practice to check in with your child about body safety. Bath time, toileting, or getting dressed can be great opportunities to do this. This might sound like, “Your vulva and your butt are your private areas. Has anyone touched them or asked you about them? If that ever happens, you always tell me about it. You won’t ever be in trouble for telling me if something happens with your body, no matter what anyone else tells you.”
Ages 8 – 13
Children this age are developing more complex relationships and are better able to imagine how others might feel or think. Children, especially girls, may also start to show the first signs of entering puberty.
Continue to keep open conversations about their personal boundaries. This might sound like, “If someone touches you in a way you don’t like, you can say ‘I don’t like that’ in a firm voice. Then you leave and find an adult who you trust, and tell me about it.” You can stress that your child will never get in trouble for reporting abuse or harassment, even if someone else says they will.
It’s important for children to have adults they trust who aren’t family members.
It’s normal for children to start having crushes at this age. Teach your child how to express love, interest, and friendship in positive, healthy, and respectful ways. This might sound like, “I can tell you really like being close to your friend Zane. Remember to always pay attention to their words and actions and make sure they want to be close too. If someone else is uncomfortable with having us in their personal bubble, we should give space.”
Teach your child that if someone makes them uncomfortable, even if they think it’s intended to be friendly, they can come to you without getting in trouble or being shamed. You can help them think about how to navigate it based on the context.
Ages 13 – 17
The physical, social, and hormonal changes related to puberty will impact your child’s relationships to their own body and to other people. Their social awareness skills are also increasing, so they are better able to imagine how others might be feeling.
Model asking consent and respecting a “no” from another person. You can do this in your interactions with your teen, as well as with other people. This might sound like, “I’m so proud of how you and the marching band performed! Can I give you a kiss?”
Movies and TV shows are a good avenue to continue to talk about bodily autonomy with your teen. This might sound like, “What did you notice about that interaction? Did it seem like that character wanted to do that? How can you tell?”
This can be a good way to discuss body language. If someone seems uncomfortable, it’s a good time to check in about whether they’re comfortable with what’s happening, even if they’ve previously verbally consented.
It continues to be important to keep open communication with your teen. Keeping an open, approachable, nonjudgmental attitude can help them feel safe asking for your support navigating the challenges of growing up.
Even with open communication, teens may feel embarrassed to talk to their parents about their bodies. It can be helpful for your child to have other trusted adults, such as their doctor or another adult family member, who can help them navigate complicated questions.
Learning to maintain boundaries and respect other people’s is a critical part of physical, emotional, and mental wellness. It helps to create environments where children feel safe, empowered, and protected by their trusted caregivers.
For more information about promoting bodily autonomy and for resources about childhood sexual abuse, see the National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s resource, resources from Darkness to Light, and these resources from Stop It Now.
It’s never too early to talk about race and racism. It will sound different depending on your child’s developmental level, identity, and experiences.
Young Children
One of the ways young children are learning about the world is through noticing similarities and differences that come up in their everyday experiences. You can bring empathy, justice, and acceptance into this developmental milestone by:
Celebrating difference.
“I like how my hair is springy. What do you like about your hair?”
“Yes, her body is a different shape than mine. Both of our bodies move in just the right ways for us.”
Talking about differences in a neutral way.
“I notice that my skin is a little darker than your skin. What else do you notice about our differences?”
“All families are different. We do things like Pizza and Movie Night and making pancakes. I wonder what Celia’s family does together.”
“Sometimes people treat others unkindly because of what they look like. In our family, we don’t do that. We treat everyone with respect and kindness.”
Elementary and Middle-School Aged Children
Exploring issues of justice and fairness are developmental milestones throughout the elementary and middle school years. You can promote their natural interest and insights about race and racism in a deeper way by:
Giving them the language to talk about racism and its history.
“A long time ago, a group of people decided they were going to sort people based on the color of their skin and call it “race.” Racism is when people believe or act as if that sorting makes people with lighter skin better or more deserving of respect, kindness, safety, and opportunity. This is not true. Sometimes it happens between people – like in hurtful words or violence – and sometimes it’s more invisible and gets spread through laws and ideas.”
Using real-life examples, or examples that come up in books, movies, or social media.
“I’m noticing that that character is being bullied because he speaks a different language than most of his classmates. What do you think that’s about?”
“That news story was talking about a Black man who was killed by a White police officer. This is a pattern that many people have noticed happens a lot in our country. What questions do you have? How does that feel to you?”
Teaching children that their words matter.
“Did you say anything when you noticed he was being left out of the game? What can you say next time?”
“Where did you hear that? That’s not language that we use in our family because it is a not a respectful way to describe someone. We can say instead…”
Teaching children to talk to their trusted adults.
“I’m proud of you for telling him that you didn’t think that was a funny joke. Who at school do you think could help with that next time?”
“Thanks for showing me that post. You’re right – this is hurtful and something that we should report.”
Model speaking up when you notice injustice.
“What you’re noticing is happening to the Spanish-speaking kids in your class is really important. Let’s think together about how I can talk to the grownups at your school about that.”
“One of the reasons that voting in this election is important to me is because I’m noticing that the different schools in our neighborhood are getting different amounts of money. I’m picking a person who I think is noticing this too, and wants to change it.”
Teenagers
Teens are capable of deep, complex thinking about society and their role within it. You can promote this by:
Talking to them about local and national current events. Ask them what they’ve heard, what they think about it, and what questions they have. Help them be critical thinkers.
“What do you think that post is trying to tell us about people who come from other countries? What do you think about that?”
“I’m noticing there’s a pattern in the photos the news is choosing to use in its stories about this shooting. What do you think about that?”
Encouraging them to read books, follow, and enjoy music and art from creators of diverse backgrounds. Help them identify their trusted adults at school and in the community.
Talking about race and racism with your children is a powerful way to promote justice.
When something scary happens in your home, community, or in the world, your child will look to you to help understand it. Having honest, developmentally-appropriate conversations with your child can help them develop coping skills, lessen the impact of strong negative feelings like anxiety or fear, and help them heal and grow.
For most children and teens
After a crisis, most children and teens need their parents and caregivers to:
Validate their feelings. When we validate someone else’s feelings, we let them know their feelings are normal, accepted, and don’t change our love for them. This can sound like, “Seeing that fire was really scary. It made me feel nervous, too.” or “I can understand that hearing us yell like that might have been really confusing.”
Help them identify their feelings. Naming feelings can help children build their emotional literacy, use coping skills, and better understand themselves. You can say things to help them notice their feelings like, “I can see that hearing about that shooting made you feel really nervous to go outside. Want to talk about it?” or “You’re throwing things, and that makes me think that hearing about Junior’s accident made you feel angry and out of control. Cuddling usually helps you when you’re mad. Should we try?”
Ask them what they know. This can help us get an accurate understanding of what they might be thinking, feeling, or wondering about. You can say things like, “Your teacher told me something scary happened at school today. Can you tell me about what happened?” or “I noticed you were listening really closely to the radio report this morning. What did you hear about?”
Limit news or media exposure to the event, especially for young and school-aged children. Continued exposure to scary or violent pictures or video can increase anxiety and fear. If you think it’s appropriate for them to hear updates about the event, talk to them about it yourself so that you can help them understand what’s going on.
Identify the helpers. Hearing about pain and suffering can cause us all to feel fear, anger, or a loss of control. Noticing the good that exists in the world, and that there are people who offer love, support, and care during crisis is an important part of healing and growth.
Use simple, honest, developmentally–appropriate language. When children hear something that is difficult for them to understand, they may fill in the gaps with their own ideas, which may be worse than reality and cause more anxiety. For this reason, it’s important to give children honest information that they can understand, and give them the opportunity to ask questions.
For Younger Children
In addition to the above suggestions, you can support children under age 7 or so by offering extra reassurance and attention following a crisis.
Reassure them they are safe. Though there are limits to how much control we have over safety, we can reassure children that they are safe in the moment, loved, and looked after.
Offer extra attention and love. This might include more time playing together, cuddling, and doing things you both enjoy.
When you leave them, be sure to let them know where you are going and when you’ll be back.
For School-Aged Children
Extra love and reassurance is important for this age group as well. You can also support your school-aged child by:
Ask them what they know and how they feel about it. You might say something like, “I noticed you were listening to me talk to the neighbor. What did you hear us talk about? What questions do you have?” or “How are you feeling after seeing that on the news?”
Help them name and express their feelings. It’s normal to have a range of reactions to something scary, overwhelming, or confusing. You can help your child make sense of this by normalizing it and helping them name or express their feelings. You can do this by encouraging them to draw or write about their experience, or notice what you’re seeing. This might sound like, “You seem to be really quiet since yesterday, and I’m wondering if you’re feeling scared. What do you think?”
Identify the helpers, and help them identify how to find helpers. In addition to talking about who in their community is helping after a crisis, you can help your child feel safer by talking to them about what they can do if they’re in an unsafe situation. This might sound something like, “I know it was scary when you couldn’t find me at the fair. If that every happens again, you should find a grownup in charge and stay where you are” or “Hearing about that school shooting was really scary. Let’s talk about what you know about keeping yourself safe.”
For Teenagers
Teenagers can be less likely to reach out to their parents for support after a crisis, but you can still support them by keeping yourself available and being available. You can also:
Teach them that all feelings are OK, and help them find safe ways of expressing those feelings. Crises can bring up big, complicated feelings, and teenagers feel very deeply. Oftentimes stress and challenge can push teens to either isolate or engage in risky behaviors. Teaching healthy ways of coping is an important part of helping your teen navigate difficult situations. This might be encouraging them to use exercise or movement to deal with big feelings, to spend time with friends, or to do activities that bring them joy.
Encourage them to stay connected with friends. Teens look to their friends for comfort and understanding, and spending time with friends can help teens feel safe and loved.
Ask open-ended questions to explore their experiences, feelings, and worries. This might sound like, “What was that like for you?” or “What are you most worried about now?” or “How can I help?”
Be mindful of how much media coverage of the event they are watching or following on social media. Teens may have more independent access to media than younger children. If limiting this isn’t right for your family, keep the lines of communication open by asking them about what they’re watching and wondering about. You can also help them notice whether looking at that content is making them feel better or worse.
When to Worry
It is normal for children and teens to have emotional and physical reactions to stressful situations. Depending on the situation, your child’s reaction may last only a few hours, a few days, or much longer than that. You may notice that your child is:
More clingy or demanding.
More withdrawn or more hyperactive than usual.
More irritable, tearful, fearful, or more likely to have outbursts or tantrums.
Showing regressive behavior, or doing things more typical of younger children. This might be behaviors like bedwetting, tantrumming, or “baby talk.”
While these are normal reactions to stress, change, and strong feelings, you know your child best. If you notice any of these signs for a prolonged period, or if you’re worried for your child’s health or safety, reach out to a medical professional.
