Social-emotional skills are essential for success in school, work, and life. Social-emotional skills can improve your child’s ability to regulate emotions and thoughts, form healthy relationships, and make responsible decisions. These skills can strengthen mental health1 and help your child ask for help when they need it. You can teach your children social emotional skills by modeling them, or practicing them yourself, which is also a way of teaching your child about your family’s culture, values, and belief systems.
Responsible Decision-Making
Responsible decision-making has to do with making choices that fit your values, including values related to health and well-being. To model this:
Share your thought process: “Before we decide which one to pick, let’s learn a little more about each of them.”
Name how your values influence your choices: “It’s important to me that you get a chance to try different foods. That’s why that food is part of our dinner today.”
Relationship Skills
Relationship skills have to do with starting and maintaining healthy connections with lots of different kinds of people, which can strengthen mental health and well-being. To model this:
Practice active listening: “You’re frustrated because you feel like I haven’t been paying attention to you. Do I have that right? What do you think could help?”
Close the loop and come back after conflict: “This morning’s argument was rough. I’m sorry it happened like that. Can we talk?”
Self-Management
Self-management has to do with your response to your emotions, thoughts, and the world around you. To model this:
Take deep breaths when you’re feeling strong feelings: “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, so I’m going to step in the hallway and take some deep breaths before we figure this out.”
Talk about how you’re approaching challenges: “There is a lot to do before we leave for school. I’m going to make a quick list to keep us organized.”
Reflect on how you’re dealing with things you can’t control: “I wanted to go to the park today too, but it’s raining. Let’s think about other ways we can play and get out our energy.”
Self-Awareness
Self-awareness has to do with understanding your own emotions, thoughts, and values so you are better able to take care of your mental health and wellness. To model this:
Notice and name your feelings: “Ugh! This traffic is making me feel so frustrated.”
Admit when you make a mistake: “I was feeling rushed, and didn’t listen to your idea. Can we try again?”
Notice the connection between your feelings and your actions: “I’m noticing that I’m a little quieter than usual. I’m feeling nervous about something coming up tomorrow at work.
Social Awareness
Social awareness has to do with understanding others’ perspectives, which can strength relationships and mental health and well-being. To model this:
Show respectful curiosity about other people: “Our cashier seemed angry. I wonder what was going on for him today.”
Show gratitude: “Let’s stop by Lu’s house really quick – I want to thank them for watching the cat the other day.”
Notice others’ strengths: “Wow! I’ve never seen anyone dance like that. She looked so strong.”
Teaching children how to maintain their personal space and respect the personal space of others is an important part of supporting healthy relationship skills, self-awareness, assertiveness, responsible decision-making, and physical safety. Strengthening these skills also strengthens youth mental health by giving children the tools to be able to experience autonomy, which in turn protects against feelings of powerlessness and increases feelings of self-worth, self-esteem, and empowerment.
Bodily autonomy is the idea that everyone has the right to make decisions about what happens to their body.1 This includes teaching children what is appropriate and respectful and what is not can be an important part of preventing sexual abuse and important in helping children get help from trusted adults if they are experiencing abuse.2
Here you’ll find information about how to encourage these skills throughout development, including the language you can use with your child to practice them.
For most children and teenagers
When developing a sense of bodily autonomy, most children and teenagers need:
To hear and practice neutral and accurate language to describe body parts. When children have accurate language, they will be better able to communicate with you if something happens involving their body, including abuse, injury, or illness. Using accurate language also communicates that their bodies are not shameful, and all parts of their body, including private parts, deserve the same care and attention.
Open communication with their parents and caregivers. Laying the foundation for open communication starts when children are very young and continues into adulthood. This includes keeping an open, nonjudgmental approach to your children’s questions, concerns, and interests. When children get in trouble or are shamed for asking questions or talking about bodies, they may not feel comfortable asking for help when something happens involving their body that makes them uncomfortable.
Access to trusted adults who aren’t immediate family members. As they get older, children may feel more comfortable talking to adults who aren’t their parents or immediate family. You can talk to your child about how to identify these adults in their day-to-day lives based on your family and parenting values. These adults should be people your child trusts. They might be aunts or uncles, teachers or coaches, or other adults in your family’s life.
Permission to say no to unwanted touch or affection, including hugs and kisses, even from family members. This can be a good way to start a conversation about consent, personal space, and asking permission before touching someone else.
To learn how to respect when someone else says “no.” Bodily autonomy includes respecting other people’s boundaries and space.
Under 3
Even before they have language, very young children are learning about their bodies through the way parents and caregivers care for them, touch them, and talk to them.
You can support healthy development by:
Giving your child a heads-up before changing their diaper or clothing and explaining what you’re doing. This might sound like, “It’s time to change your diaper because we want to be clean.”
Using neutral and accurate language to describe body parts. This might sound like, “That is your penis. I’m touching it to help you clean it, but it is part of your private area and no one should touch it unless they’re helping you clean yourself” or “It looks like you are uncomfortable. Is your vulva itchy?”
Ages 3 – 7
As they grow, children become more self-aware, more curious about their own and other peoples’ bodies, and more physically independent. Their social skill development includes learning about their own and other people’s boundaries. You can help reinforce these skills:
Teach your child about personal space, or “personal bubbles.”
Their own personal space: Advocating for their own personal space might sound like, “You’re hurting me. Stop doing that,” “I don’t want to play like that anymore,” or “I don’t want a hug right now, but I’ll give you a high five!”
Others’ personal space: Teach your child to respect “no” from other people. This might sound like, “Did you ask if he wanted to play that way?” or “I heard her tell you to stop. When we hear that, we stop right away.”
Teach children that if someone is hurting them, they should always tell a trusted adult nearby, and then tell you.
Children may ask questions about their body parts or others’ body parts – this is a normal part of development. You can answer these questions with accurate information, without adding judgement. This might sound like, “Yes, both male and female bodies have nipples” or “Hair grows on boys’ and girls’ private parts when they’re a little older – like 12 or 13” or “No, you may not watch me use the bathroom – I’d like privacy for that. You can ask me questions about how my body works, though, if that’s what you’re curious about.”
This is an important part of abuse prevention and intervention: children who are punished, shamed, or silenced for asking questions or talking about their bodies may be afraid to report when they are being harmed.
Help your child understand who can touch their body for health and safety reasons.
Annual well-child pediatrician visits are a great opportunity to talk with your child about this. Preparing your child might sound something like, “The doctor is going to ask you questions about how your body feels, and will gently touch parts of your body to see how strong your body is. I will be there too. You can ask them any questions you have.”
If your child needs help from teachers or caretakers to use the bathroom, get dressed, or get cleaned up, you can explain to your child that these adults will be touching their bodies – and sometimes their private areas – to help keep them clean and healthy. This might sound something like, “Your penis and your butt are your private area, and no one should touch them except for when your teachers are helping you clean yourself after you go potty.”
When your child can get dressed, use the bathroom, and bathe independently, you can give them more privacy. This might sound like, “Knock knock! Is it OK if I come in to give you a clean towel?”
You can teach your child that it’s okay to say “no,” even to adults. It’s important for children to know that they do not have to allow others (including family members) to touch, hug, or kiss them if they don’t want to.
Sometimes these conversations can be difficult to have with other adults who just want to hug your child. You might say to a well-meaning family member, “We always ask for permission for hugs and kisses, and everyone is always allowed to say no to being touched. You can ask Leyla how she wants to say hello!” You can provide alternative ways to show affection, such as high fives or blowing a kiss.
You can encourage your child to do this by reminding them to ask before touching other people too. This might sound like, “I saw that you were so excited when we saw your teacher in the grocery store! Remember, we always ask before we give hugs to make sure the other person is OK being touched like that.”
Make it a practice to check in with your child about body safety. Bath time, toileting, or getting dressed can be great opportunities to do this. This might sound like, “Your vulva and your butt are your private areas. Has anyone touched them or asked you about them? If that ever happens, you always tell me about it. You won’t ever be in trouble for telling me if something happens with your body, no matter what anyone else tells you.”
Ages 8 – 13
Children this age are developing more complex relationships and are better able to imagine how others might feel or think. Children, especially girls, may also start to show the first signs of entering puberty.
Continue to keep open conversations about their personal boundaries. This might sound like, “If someone touches you in a way you don’t like, you can say ‘I don’t like that’ in a firm voice. Then you leave and find an adult who you trust, and tell me about it.” You can stress that your child will never get in trouble for reporting abuse or harassment, even if someone else says they will.
It’s important for children to have adults they trust who aren’t family members.
It’s normal for children to start having crushes at this age. Teach your child how to express love, interest, and friendship in positive, healthy, and respectful ways. This might sound like, “I can tell you really like being close to your friend Zane. Remember to always pay attention to their words and actions and make sure they want to be close too. If someone else is uncomfortable with having us in their personal bubble, we should give space.”
Teach your child that if someone makes them uncomfortable, even if they think it’s intended to be friendly, they can come to you without getting in trouble or being shamed. You can help them think about how to navigate it based on the context.
Ages 13 – 17
The physical, social, and hormonal changes related to puberty will impact your child’s relationships to their own body and to other people. Their social awareness skills are also increasing, so they are better able to imagine how others might be feeling.
Model asking consent and respecting a “no” from another person. You can do this in your interactions with your teen, as well as with other people. This might sound like, “I’m so proud of how you and the marching band performed! Can I give you a kiss?”
Movies and TV shows are a good avenue to continue to talk about bodily autonomy with your teen. This might sound like, “What did you notice about that interaction? Did it seem like that character wanted to do that? How can you tell?”
This can be a good way to discuss body language. If someone seems uncomfortable, it’s a good time to check in about whether they’re comfortable with what’s happening, even if they’ve previously verbally consented.
It continues to be important to keep open communication with your teen. Keeping an open, approachable, nonjudgmental attitude can help them feel safe asking for your support navigating the challenges of growing up.
Even with open communication, teens may feel embarrassed to talk to their parents about their bodies. It can be helpful for your child to have other trusted adults, such as their doctor or another adult family member, who can help them navigate complicated questions.
Learning to maintain boundaries and respect other people’s is a critical part of physical, emotional, and mental wellness. It helps to create environments where children feel safe, empowered, and protected by their trusted caregivers.
For more information about promoting bodily autonomy and for resources about childhood sexual abuse, see the National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s resource, resources from Darkness to Light, and these resources from Stop It Now.
It’s never too early to talk about race and racism. It will sound different depending on your child’s developmental level, identity, and experiences.
Young Children
One of the ways young children are learning about the world is through noticing similarities and differences that come up in their everyday experiences. You can bring empathy, justice, and acceptance into this developmental milestone by:
Celebrating difference.
“I like how my hair is springy. What do you like about your hair?”
“Yes, her body is a different shape than mine. Both of our bodies move in just the right ways for us.”
Talking about differences in a neutral way.
“I notice that my skin is a little darker than your skin. What else do you notice about our differences?”
“All families are different. We do things like Pizza and Movie Night and making pancakes. I wonder what Celia’s family does together.”
“Sometimes people treat others unkindly because of what they look like. In our family, we don’t do that. We treat everyone with respect and kindness.”
Elementary and Middle-School Aged Children
Exploring issues of justice and fairness are developmental milestones throughout the elementary and middle school years. You can promote their natural interest and insights about race and racism in a deeper way by:
Giving them the language to talk about racism and its history.
“A long time ago, a group of people decided they were going to sort people based on the color of their skin and call it “race.” Racism is when people believe or act as if that sorting makes people with lighter skin better or more deserving of respect, kindness, safety, and opportunity. This is not true. Sometimes it happens between people – like in hurtful words or violence – and sometimes it’s more invisible and gets spread through laws and ideas.”
Using real-life examples, or examples that come up in books, movies, or social media.
“I’m noticing that that character is being bullied because he speaks a different language than most of his classmates. What do you think that’s about?”
“That news story was talking about a Black man who was killed by a White police officer. This is a pattern that many people have noticed happens a lot in our country. What questions do you have? How does that feel to you?”
Teaching children that their words matter.
“Did you say anything when you noticed he was being left out of the game? What can you say next time?”
“Where did you hear that? That’s not language that we use in our family because it is a not a respectful way to describe someone. We can say instead…”
Teaching children to talk to their trusted adults.
“I’m proud of you for telling him that you didn’t think that was a funny joke. Who at school do you think could help with that next time?”
“Thanks for showing me that post. You’re right – this is hurtful and something that we should report.”
Model speaking up when you notice injustice.
“What you’re noticing is happening to the Spanish-speaking kids in your class is really important. Let’s think together about how I can talk to the grownups at your school about that.”
“One of the reasons that voting in this election is important to me is because I’m noticing that the different schools in our neighborhood are getting different amounts of money. I’m picking a person who I think is noticing this too, and wants to change it.”
Teenagers
Teens are capable of deep, complex thinking about society and their role within it. You can promote this by:
Talking to them about local and national current events. Ask them what they’ve heard, what they think about it, and what questions they have. Help them be critical thinkers.
“What do you think that post is trying to tell us about people who come from other countries? What do you think about that?”
“I’m noticing there’s a pattern in the photos the news is choosing to use in its stories about this shooting. What do you think about that?”
Encouraging them to read books, follow, and enjoy music and art from creators of diverse backgrounds. Help them identify their trusted adults at school and in the community.
Talking about race and racism with your children is a powerful way to promote justice.
Mindfulness is paying attention on purpose to what’s happening in the moment. Many people use it as a form of meditation, but everyone can practice incorporating mindfulness into daily routines and activities.
Practicing mindfulness involves intentionally focusing on just one thing at a time. It can be normal – especially at the beginning of your mindfulness practice – for your thoughts to wander to your To Do list, conversations you’re planning to have, or even an evaluation of how your mindfulness practice is going. Noticing these things, not assigning judgement to them, and letting them go is part of the practice of mindfulness. Sometimes practicing mindfulness (especially at the beginning) can feel uncomfortable because of the feelings that come up. That’s OK! Part of the practice is to acknowledge the less comfortable feelings and thoughts too.
Mindfulness is an important part of taking care of your mental health. It can help put space between your feelings and actions, which is helpful because strong feelings can often scramble good decision-making. You can incorporate mindful activities at home as a way of practicing mindfulness as a family.
Mindful Meals
Mindfulness involves paying attention to what’s happening in the moment, and mealtime or snack time is a great way to practice this with your children.
How to do it:
Find the right time. Practice a mindful meal when you can take your time eating and you can be together without phones or other screens. The food doesn’t need to be fancy or elaborate. If your child enjoys trying new foods, it might be fun to practice with a new food. If not, using a fan favorite is a great plan.
Name it. Let your children know when you’re going to practice mindfulness. If your child enjoys games or competition, frame it as a challenge!
Explore the mind-body connection. Food and nutrition are important to mental health because our body and minds are connected. How and what we eat can change how we feel. Think with your child about how their bodies feel before, during, and after eating mindfully.
Use all 5 senses: Talk about what you both notice using your 5 senses.
Sight: What do you notice about this food? How does the color or texture make you feel about trying it?
Smell: What do you notice? Does this smell remind you of anything?
Touch: What do you notice about the temperature of the food? What do you notice about the texture? Is it chewy, crunchy, scratchy, or smooth?
Sound: What kind of sounds come from our chewing of this food? Is there a crunch or snap or slurp when we eat it?
Taste: What do you notice right away? Is the food sweet, salty, sour, bitter, savory, or a combination? Does the taste change as you chew?
Creating a Family Self-Care Plan
Self-care is an important part of maintaining mental health because it involves giving yourself the time and space to nourish your mind, body, and heart with activities that make you feel connected to yourself and your loved ones. Making a family self-care plan is a great way to model for your children that self-care is important while nurturing your connection with one another.
Your family self-care plan will include activities that you can do as a family to strengthen your connections, reflect on challenges and celebrations, and have fun together!
How to do it:
Get everyone together. Make time for everyone in your family to get together to talk about their plan. This might be on a walk, at a meal, or at another time when everyone can be present and not on their phones. Everyone’s ideas are important here!
Think about the WHEN. When will you use these activities? Some families might decide to do 1 or 2 activities on a set day every week or once a month. Others may choose to use it when they notice they’ve been too busy to spend quality time together. Figure out what works for your family.
Think about the WHY. Why is spending time together important to your family? How do you want to feel after doing your self-care activities?
Think about the WHAT. What do you want to do together as a family to connect? You’ll be more likely to stick to a plan that is realistic, in line with what your family already enjoys, and simple. You can consider activities that balance the mind, body, and heart:
Nurturing the mind: This might include activities like learning something new together or playing a challenging game together.
Nurturing the heart: This might include activities and conversations that give everyone a chance to express their thoughts and feelings. Consider having a daily family check-in conversation or making a Mind Jar.
Nurturing the body: Physical activities are a great way to connect, destress, and have fun. This might include taking a walk together or trying a new sport. Spending time outdoors is great for mental and physical health.
Write it down, and keep it where you can see it! This will keep your family accountable to the plan you’ve made, and will also remind you of all the ways you can take care of one another.
Calm Corner
Everyone needs to learn how to self-regulate, or calm themselves down when they’re feeling strong feelings. A Calm Corner is a designated space for your child to practice different self-regulation strategies, or coping skills.
How to make it:
Space it out: Calm Corners don’t need to be elaborate – consider a small space in your home that is typically quiet and free from screens. This could be a comfy chair in the living room, or some floor space in a closet or bedroom that’s big enough to sit. Older children will likely want more privacy, so consider a space that allows for that.
Make it comfy and calm: To make the space inviting but not overwhelming, keep it simple, and involve your child in planning it. The space should be special, and not just another place for your child to play or keep toys. You might consider adding things like:
A favorite stuffed animal, blanket, or pillow
Books and coloring or journaling materials
Fidgets or quiet toys, like our Mind Jar, Squeeze Stress ball, Rubix cube, or fidget spinner
Teach your child to use it:
Using a Calm Corner is different than a timeout, because it shouldn’t be used as punishment, but rather as a way of encouraging your child to take space to calm down and practice their self-regulation skills.
Introduce it by starting to use it together with your child when they are upset: use the materials together, read a book, or snuggle. This can be especially helpful for children under age 5, who may not be able to consistently handle strong feelings alone.
After some practice together, suggest they use the space when they’re beginning to get upset. You can say something like, “It looks like you’re feeling pretty disappointed. Do you want to go to your Calm Corner to help yourself calm down?”
Help your child notice what they did to calm down by asking reflection questions once they are calm again like, “Does your body feel any different now that you had some time to snuggle with your bear?” or “I’m noticing that you’re not yelling anymore. What did you use in the Calm Corner to help yourself feel better?”
When they’re using it successfully, offer lots of encouragement! You can say things like, “I’m so proud of you for noticing that your body needed a break” or “You were so mad, and figured out a way of calming down so we could talk again. That was awesome!”
Consider making a Calm Corner for yourself too, so that your child learns that grownups notice and take care of their feelings, too.
Calming Tools
Mind Jar
In this craft, the jar represents our hearts or minds, and the glitter represents our thoughts and feelings. Shaking up the jar is like feeling a strong feeling: our thoughts and feelings can be swirling, confusing, and chaotic. When we set the mind jar down and let it rest, the glitter will slowly settle at the bottom and the water will become clear again. When we take time to be still, take deep breaths, and focus on watching the glitter fall, our bodies get a chance to settle and our hearts and minds can feel clear and calm again.
What you’ll need:
A clean plastic or glass jar or bottle with a tight fitting lid
Water
Washable white or clear liquid glue
Glitter, sequins, beads, or other small objects
Hot glue to seal the jar (optional)
How to make it:
Fill the jar about 1/3 full with glue. The more glue you add, the longer it will take for the glitter to settle.
Add glitter or other objects.
Top off the bottle with water.
Seal the jar.
Shake it up!
Keep the mind jars accessible for your child, and encourage them to shake it when you notice they are starting to feel a strong feeling. Help them reflect on how taking deep breaths changed their mood, thoughts, or feelings.
Squeeze Stress Ball
When we feel stress or strong feelings, our bodies often tense up and we may feel the need to move in some way, like by clenching our fists, hitting or throwing something, or pacing. Stress balls are one tool that children can use to direct this physical energy: rather than throwing something, for example, they can try squeezing a stress ball when they need movement.
What you’ll need:
An uninflated balloon (not a water balloon)
About 8 oz of a filler: table salt, dried lentils or beans, or uncooked rice
A funnel (optional, but helpful)
How to make it:
Stretch the opening of the balloon as wide as possible, or use the funnel.
Fill the balloon, leaving the neck clear of filling.
Tie the balloon.
Squeeze!
You may want to set some rules for using the stress ball, such as not throwing it at anyone or anything. Keep it accessible for your child to use when they need to squeeze out some extra energy.
